Testimony: Crossing The Bridge by Patrice Gaines

I was driving to Blufton, S.C., which is just outside Hilton Head. It was daylight but it was foggy and rainy. As I approached a bridge, my body tensed. I slowed down. Cars passed. My hands gripped the steering wheel. My heart pounded so loudly I could hear it over the radio. I was scared.

Cars passed me. The bridge seemed to loom into the sky. I thought I might drive off the edge. My right foot felt heavy on the pedal. I wanted to pull over but there was no place to stop. I was desperate to get off that bridge but it spread out at least another mile ahead of me. I turned off the radio and began to repeat aloud: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want."

These words have always comforted me. They remind me of who I really am and what I am, therefore, capable of doing and handling. On the other side of the bridge, I asked, "Why?" What had happened to me?

I am still meditating and praying on the answer and it is evolving. But I received part of the answer on that other side of the bridge.

I have had some major life changes over the past few years--I left a longtime job and career, my marriage broke up, and I moved from one state to another. These are changes psychologists say are major stress factors. Yet I have denied this every step of the way. On that bridge, I was faced with the truth: Denial is not the same as surrender.

I have to acknowledge and grieve my losses and changes; acknowledge I miss friends and familiarity and even being married. I love my new home and new friends but I have to give my feelings their due, play them out before I can surrender them to God.

On that bridge every fear I was denying rose up to meet me: Will I be successful in my new career, starting a nonprofit organization to help women who have been incarcerated? Have I made the right moves? Only in acknowledging my questions can I then surrender my concerns. Otherwise, I am pressing them down, holding onto them.

Of course, I had to return across the bridge on the way back. I drove across it barely noticing. In fact, I kept looking for another bridge. Surely, this little measly bridge I had crossed couldn't be the one I crossed over--going. But a few miles past the bridge I realized there was no other bridge. The bridge that had seemed so high and expansive on the way over was a little, short crossing on the way back.

I laughed, knowing that I was already starting to surrender. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want..."

© 2005 Patrice Gaines, Author, Motivational Speaker, Writer. To learn more about Patrice, as well as her books, speaking engagements, and nonprofit organization, The Brown Angel Center, go to www.patricegaines.com